Monday, May 21, 2012


I've been gone for a while.  Playing other games.

This won't be a post about the world of warcraft.

Recently a friend asked me a question that I found surprisingly hard to answer.

Direct message sent by Skolnick (@SkolnickWho) to you (@oathblade) on May 16, 6:18 PM.
How have you been? I have not seen you in awhile and hope you are doing well.

Empty Hope
I started to answer and stopped..and found myself thinking about it more and more.  You see Ive been playing Star Wars the Old republic lately.  In part because of the fiasco of the pass Blizzard suckered me into getting but also because I lost my authenticator,

Also I failed completely at mastering the hardest spec/class in the Warcraft game in the hardest environment.  I never imagined I'd fail.  So SwtOR soloing for story made for a better environment to bandage my wounds, or so I thought.

When Skolnik messages me on the twit service I havent been on in days, I still feel no motivation to be on.  or to talk to any of my old friends.  Or follow the old podcasts.  I just want to pull into my shell like a crab.

The thing is I know these feelings.  I've felt them my entire life.

I never gave in to them because I knew I could be stronger than them.

Their not invincible.

But with the death in the family I feel like my strength has just vanished.  Weak and Empty I don't feel like I have anything to offer.  I just peer in at the smarter people and wish I could really understand whats going on.

I know I should know this.  Game rules.  Stats.  THAC0, they have been a part of my life but it doesn't always make sense. I want it to make sense.

I mean before I just got my act together and dragged myself out of the muck.  It worked before.  But I only feel weak.  Like a mortal told to do Atlas's job.  No matter how hard I put the effort into it I know it wont be enough.  I cant hold the stone up.

I cant look at the mirror.  I don't know the person within it.  That person only faintly shows the feelings inside if at all.  It's a framework I've used to great effect for most of my life.  The tides pf darkness come and eventually there is a dawn but I just keep the mask in place.  Its worked at least somewhat well for me over the years.  But I can feel it straining.  Rivets popping under pressure.

I feel like there is danger but I feel this strange detachment from it.  Like it isn't my life but rather a story of some one else's.  I feel like something should happen but I cant reach out and make it so.

Silly or strange I wonder how to define well?  How do I answer?  I can have wonderful experiences.  I went to see the Avengers with my friends and it was one of the best experiences of my life.  But when it faded it felt like it was years ago.

I just don't know.  Sorry for the Livejournal babble.  I just wanted to talk.


  1. Hey, I can only try to imagine what you are going through at the moment. I don't know if you have any heavy personal stuff going on at the moment, but if you feel you're going into a spiral I'd suggest spending as much time as you can outside, be it with friends or not. Find someone to talk to, nit just about the downs but also about the ups, go out on the sunny days. Pick something new up to keep you busy, help clear your mind so you don't /have/ to be confronted with whatever demons you are battling at the moment. Wish you well, and stay strong.