I've been gone for a while. Playing other games.
This won't be a post about the world of warcraft.
Recently a friend asked me a question that I found surprisingly hard to answer.
Direct message sent by Skolnick (@SkolnickWho) to you (@oathblade) on May 16, 6:18 PM.
How have you been? I have not seen you in awhile and hope you are doing well.
Also I failed completely at mastering the hardest spec/class in the Warcraft game in the hardest environment. I never imagined I'd fail. So SwtOR soloing for story made for a better environment to bandage my wounds, or so I thought.
When Skolnik messages me on the twit service I havent been on in days, I still feel no motivation to be on. or to talk to any of my old friends. Or follow the old podcasts. I just want to pull into my shell like a crab.
The thing is I know these feelings. I've felt them my entire life.
I never gave in to them because I knew I could be stronger than them.
Their not invincible.
But with the death in the family I feel like my strength has just vanished. Weak and Empty I don't feel like I have anything to offer. I just peer in at the smarter people and wish I could really understand whats going on.
I know I should know this. Game rules. Stats. THAC0, they have been a part of my life but it doesn't always make sense. I want it to make sense.
I mean before I just got my act together and dragged myself out of the muck. It worked before. But I only feel weak. Like a mortal told to do Atlas's job. No matter how hard I put the effort into it I know it wont be enough. I cant hold the stone up.
I cant look at the mirror. I don't know the person within it. That person only faintly shows the feelings inside if at all. It's a framework I've used to great effect for most of my life. The tides pf darkness come and eventually there is a dawn but I just keep the mask in place. Its worked at least somewhat well for me over the years. But I can feel it straining. Rivets popping under pressure.
I feel like there is danger but I feel this strange detachment from it. Like it isn't my life but rather a story of some one else's. I feel like something should happen but I cant reach out and make it so.
Silly or strange I wonder how to define well? How do I answer? I can have wonderful experiences. I went to see the Avengers with my friends and it was one of the best experiences of my life. But when it faded it felt like it was years ago.
I just don't know. Sorry for the Livejournal babble. I just wanted to talk.